01DEC23 | RAYLEIGH SCATTERING

 

I'm going in with an open mind;

there have been many challenges

of late, ones I didn't anticipate or

plan well enough in advance to

 

handle in a manner fitting of the

circumstance; the moon floating

outside my window is trying to

tell me something, but I can't be

 

distracted, not now anyway; I am

looking for ways to quiet the music

in my head, it's been there for days,

Rush's Spirit of the Radio; context:

​

I've been listening to Geddy Lee's

audiobook memoir––nearly at the 

end after close to a month––and I've

been re-visiting the music and the

​

videos and I just can't seem to shake

the songs from my head and carry

them around with me all day and all

night, tapping out beats with my feet

​

and fingers, humming tunes, recalling

the stories and remembering Neil, who

will be gone three years in about a month

from now; they played Amsterdam for the

​

last time on June 2, 2013, eighteen days

before my fiftieth birthday, concert posters

plastered all over The Hague; I decided it

would be my birthday present to myself, but

​

I had other obligations and the tickets were

priced just north of my comfort zone, so I

never made it to the concert; of course, a 

decade later, I regret not finding the means to

​

go; and as I listen, as I hang on every one of

Geddy's words, anecdotes and recollections, I

am reminded how much we have in common,

how much alike we are and that is comforting

​

​

02DEC23 | CHRISTEL

 

I finally dreamed about you;

though I can't say I actually

willed it to happen, it was a

very welcomed surprise, and

​

when I woke up this morning, 

I was pleased and well rested;

in the dream, you cut your hair

quite short, which suited you;

​

we walked for a bit, ended up

together at the beach with your

daughter, who caught you as you

stole a kiss from me; there was a

​

giant of a man who handed you a

twenty euro note because he had, in 

his words, unintentionally offended

you, but you walked over to him and

​

handed the note back saying that no

offense was taken; we spent the rest

of the day at the beach, though I was

anxious about how the day would end

​

​

03DEC23 | CLUSTER B(EHAVE)

​

How many times have you told 

me to behave? treated me with

such disdain and disrespect and

never as an equal in anything;

​

but now I know, and it's taken

me years to learn, that it's part

of who you are, part of who you

have become; and this behavior,

​

sadly enough, is not assimilated

but learned, passed down from

we both know where and exactly

who; and when you tell me and

​

your daughters to behave, you

are commanding us to surrender

control, to let you have your way

and last say; to be naïve to your

 

manipulation and not challenge

what you say or do; you are the

problem, you are the disease we

all suffer from with no remedy

​

​

04DEC23 | CLOUD OF DUST

​

You'll be left in a cloud of dust;

one that will surround you in a

unyielding billow of darkness,

blanketing you in confusion and

​

never ending sorrow; and when

I'm gone, you'll ask yourself what

you could have possibly done to

drive me away; and that's one of

​

the saddest parts of the story; the

part where you got lost, tangled

up in your own web of turmoil,

thinking you knew better, were

​

better, deserved better, but still

refusing to try and be a better

person, one with compassion and

kindness, one who listened and 

 

heard, supported and nurtured;

a person who, at the very least,

could have been as nice to us as

you were to all those strangers 

​

​

05DEC23 | BETTER GIFTS

​

Here we go again, 'tis the season

of gift giving and jolly making and

spending hard-earned money on

useless, trivial things that, in the

​

days and weeks to come will be

forgotten and discarded, destined

for trash liner bags taking their

pride of place in the basement as

​

they await their final destiny once

the spring rolls around and our

annual rummage dump is made;

there are surely better gifts to be

​

gifted, useful gifts, mindful gifts;

it's easy to fall into the consumer

trap, cheap and only a mouse-click

on Monday and voila! the parcel's

​

on our doorstep on Wednesday; and

what example are we setting for our

children? god only knows; what they

need most we never seem able to give

​

​

06DEC23 | SELF-SUFFICIENT

​

I can do my own laundry

make my own bed

prepare my own breakfast

iron my own dress shirts

​

I can cook risotto

make an awesome omelette 

bake challah

poach eggs

​

I can clean the floors

and the bathrooms

organize the linens

do the dishes

​

I can change diapers

bathe a newborn

care for small children

warm a bottle/feed a baby

​

I am self-sufficient

I can take care of myself

I can care for others

I can swim

​

​

07DEC23 | ART

​

I have many musical heroes;

Art is one of them; but there

comes a time when artists or

their handlers should realize

​

that the show is over, that by

dragging these aging stars of

yesterday through the mud of

public performance is perhaps

 

the most cruel and merciless 

form of exploitation there is;

I understand maybe in Art's

case he wanted to take part

 

in the performance honoring

his late, great friend, gone now

as many years as he was alive,

but when he schleped himself

​

slowly out onto the stage (to a

roaring round of applause) with

cane in hand and appearing to be

half in the otherworld, I was sad

​

​

08DEC23 | BLAME

​

I try never to place blame on others, 

instead, trying to discover why people

behave the way they do, act in such

oftentimes diabolical ways doing what

​

I feel are reprehensible acts, loathsome

and unforgivable; it's been a year since

she locked me out and you had the power

to unlock the door and let the turmoil out

​

and bring things from a boil to a simmer;

but you chose not to, decided, for whatever

reason, to look the other way, to take some

depraved pleasure from seeing me in so

​

much pain; and you let it fester for days,

months and nearly a year; and it will go

on and things will never be the same again

and one day you will realize the thing you

​

did didn't only hurt me, but it hurt the one

you loved the most, the one who you thought

you were helping, protecting; but like most

things, your madness is unpredictable and vile

​

​

09DEC23 | HAPPY BIRTHDAY

​

I imagine you'll never see this

and maybe that's a good thing;

because it's scathing and raw

and you deserve to see what 

 

you've done; and by the time

you see this, if you ever do, it

will too late to undo the pain

you caused, too late to ask for

 

forgiveness, and even too late

to regret or to conceal yourself

behind the innocence of youth

or shift the blame on others even

 

though others were complicit; I

pity you and at the same time I

feel sorry about what you will

have to endure; you and I were

​

so close that I would have never

in a million years come to believe

what came to pass and what came

between us, tearing us apart forever​

​

​

10DEC23 | PERSONA NON GRATA

​

To live in a home where there is no

affection, no empathy, no kindness

and little communication can hardly

be blamed on me; I have tried to

​

be the catalyst of love, caring and

support; hugging, talking, listening

and fostering an air of inclusion and

unity; but I've swum against the tide,

​

walked with my face against the wind,

been beaten down at every crossroads

and yet they haven't broken my will;

they haven't turned my heart to ice or

​

forced me to retreat from their torment,

and I remain steadfast in my love for

them though they know not what love

is; and today a sad milestone has come

​

and gone; three hundred and sixty-five days

I have agonized over silence and betrayal; a

year of rejection, pain and spite as I became a

persona non grata, unloved, unwanted and alone

​

​

11DEC23 | BLABBERMOUTH

​

It's never my intention to dominate

the conversation; my only (poor)

excuse is that I have so much to say;

maybe repressed emotions or caused

​

by the fact that I don't have many

people to talk to with whom I share

things in common; so, when I do

stumble upon a kindred spirit, I

​

become a blabbermouth, impossible

to stop once I get going; it's not that

I don't have any interest in what you

have to say––I really do––but if you

​

asked a question, you'll get a can of

worms answer, and more likely than

not, my reply will jettison from one

place to another, from topic to topic

​

until neither of us can remember just

where the whole thing started; poor Rick,

asked me about my book over breakfast;

two hours later and my pancakes were cold

​

​

12DEC23 | VIOLENCE

​

Here we are, a million years on,

yet, we are still barbarians, seething

with violence that we enact on others to

vent our rage, frustration and indifference;

​

those young, brown-skinned, skin-faded

adolescents I see on nearly every tram ride

I take into town exemplify the primal instincts

of testosterone-charged behavior; swinging from

​

grab handles like gorillas; taking pot shots

and judo kicks, roughhousing and causing a

commotion, passing threatening gazes to any

passenger who dares to look their way; these boys

​

are savages; they are the future of our society,

at least the ones who will make it into adulthood;

but what kind of society will there be amongst all

this violence? stabbings, shootings, beatings and every

​

brutality imaginable; I loathe to think of my own

young daughters being caught up one day in such a

fray, being rendered helpless in an act of someone else's

hostility; I too felt bloodthirsty on my tram ride home tonight

 

 

13DEC23 | I NEED A REST

​

Life's been a whirlwind of late,

work and family and creative

projects have zapped my energy;

and today my GP upped my meds

​

which has left me feeling out of

sorts; and it's been rainy and gray,

both outside and in; Chanukah 

candles the only source of brightness

​

lately; there are undesirable noises

and distractions and concerns about

things I have very little control over

(though I should); there is uncertainty

 

and doubt, fear and incongruity; and

of course there is longing and despair,

wondering about how things will pan

out, curious to see how one scene segues

​

into the next; but mostly, I need a rest, 

some time to look at the clouds, walk

amongst the trees, get myself grounded

and back to feeling like the old me again

​

​

14DEC23 | KILLED AS A JEW

​

I've been imagining as of late, that

there is a real possibility that I may

be killed someday for merely being

a Jew; having been born a Jew to a

​

Jewish mother who was also born to

a Jewish mother; I believe what we

are witnessing in the Middle East at

the moment is just a dry run, that the

​

extremist movements are designing

our extinction and will carry their

jihad to all corners of the earth in

what is their final solution to the

​

Jewish problem; and I am told not

to live in fear, not to stay away from

shul or community events because if

I do, they will win; that's a hard pill

​

to swallow because we've seen it all

before; seen the complacency and the

complicity of those who refuse to see

the forest for the trees and turn away

​

​

15DEC23 | KHODAFEZ

​

I had every good intention of coming home

and writing a poem about you; about our 

encounter, the lunch table and the stories we

shared; and your resemblance to her was ever

​

so delightfully uncanny and for a moment I

found myself lost in conversation with her;

but then I awoke from my daydream and 

discovered a kindred spirit, someone whose

​

path I would probably never cross as we are

so different and from such contrasting places;

but there we were, united by a secret power,

brought together in a glimmer of light whose

 

lifeforce emanated deep within and shone far

above the horizon, beyond the depths of the 

Karun and higher than the highest heights of

Damavand; I had intended to glorify your name

 

in these lines but arrived home to the somber

news that someone who I have known for some

years is dying and then I realized I had made you

cry and absentmindedly forgot to say khodafez 

​

​

16DEC23 | NOTE TO SELF

​

I have to constantly remind myself

to keep breathing (and not through

my mouth but through my nose); I

read a Victorian treatise once at the

​

Newberry Library while doing some

research for a graduate school paper

written by American lawyer, painter

and traveler John Catlin, who wrote

 

an odd book titled, Shut Your Mouth

and Save Your Life in 1862; the book

was based on the author's observations

of Native Americans whose habit of

 

nose breathing, Catlin claimed, led to

their living longer and healthier lives;

I've mostly been a mouth-breather my

entire life, though over the past decade

​

or so I have been more acutely aware of

and focused on trying to breathe through

my nose; and while it's a constant challenge,

it's one I hope has been making a difference

​

​

17DEC23 | RADIO BURSTS

​

There have been a lot of conversations lately

about the existence of extraterrestrial life; what

I find most curious is how people these days,

when asked, strongly believe that if there is

​

life beyond our planet, it is certainly hostile

and something to fear; I realize that popular

culture––films, books and television––has,

with some of exceptions, of course, made

​

these Martians and other beings into monsters

with laser beam eyes and highly advanced

spaceships wielding atomic bomb-strength

weaponry that could destroy Manhattan in

​

the blink of an eye; having never seen or been

abducted by aliens myself or experienced a UFO

sighting, my only real belief in these otherworld 

entities are what my imagination can conjure up;

​

and as a departure from popular opinion and folklore,

I prefer to imagine our possible interstellar neighbors

as benevolent beings, highly advanced, nonviolent

and eager to help us save ourselves from ourselves

​

​

18DEC23 | REFLECTION

​

It's not that I never liked you,

it was simply a matter of physics,

that two things cannot occupy the

same space at the same time; we

​

were just mismatched, culturally

incompatible and unable, perhaps

even undesirous, of wanting to

tolerate each other's shortcomings;

​

and now you're dying and I am

heartbroken because your family

will mourn you, miss you and I

will remain forever a rival, a

​

stranger in your house, in your

life by virtue of circumstance;

I am deeply and sincerely sorry

that you are ill, that your upcoming

​

birthday may be your last; and I

hope and pray that whatever time

you have left is spent gloriously, 

free from pain and in good company

​

​

19DEC23 | RECUERDOS

​

These days,

cold, rainy,

remind me

of Spanish

​

winter; after

a large mid-

day meal, I

would go to

​

bed, heater

on; bundled

up, deeply I

slept, waking

​

up in the cold

darkness of the

late afternoon;

then she would

​

come over and

make love to me,

her warmth like

a blazing fire

 

​

20DEC23 | BACKSPLASH

​

I wouldn't necessarily call 

myself an impulse buyer 

and almost never fall for

these gimmicky gadgets

​

they sell on social media

feeds; but today, I fell

victim to one such sell;

and what I bought was a

​

grey silicone backsplash

protector; it seems we have

somewhat of a backsplash

problem in our kitchen as

​

the fawcett has a spot in the

middle where, if the handle

is set in a certain place, a 

small leak will occur and

​

water will accumulate on the 

backsplash leading to someone

placing/leaving a paper towel to

soak up the water; cost me 30 euros

​

​

21DEC23 | SOCIAL DEATH

​

Howie's dying, and he's taking

us all for the ride; he posted a

photo after a long absence from

social media; he'd been sick and

​

it was pretty bad; he didn't have

to say was it cancer, it was pretty

obvious from his appearance as

well as his mentioning that quite

​

a few of his internal organs had

been removed (and another photo

revealed some pretty dramatic scars);

a few days later, another photo, clean

​

shaven and gaunt and on his way to a

rehab center; then another week or so

of radio silence; he came back again

with a series of hopeful, enthusiastic

​

posts about his continued recovery and

prognosis; then, yesterday, after another

absence, he posted a blunt image: sickly,

lank and bearded; his message was dismal,

 

slightly cryptic and conveyed a sense that

he knew he probably didn't have long to

live; I have a surgical consultation on

January 25th...hope I'm there, he added