Poemography 2023 | R.M. Usatinsky

POEMOGRAPHY | 2023

Poems by R.M. Usatinsky

pōəˈmäɡrəfē, noun: form or process of writing and representing poetry

FEBRUARY

01FEB23 | BECAUSE YOU ASKED

It's a musical (a very peculiar musical)

the genre I have loved since I was a kid;

saw my late cousin Linda in Guys and Dolls

and my life changed forever and forever since

my grandparents would take me to see musicals

at a Greek Orthodox Church somewhere in

Lincoln Square, Pal Joey was my all-time favorite

though I admit to liking the film version better

at fifteen I acted in my last musical, West Side Story,

where I played Action and sang "Gee, Officer Krupke"

years later I wrote and performed all seven characters in a

musical review I composed for Spanish schoolchildren

and this musical, that began with a single song I wrote

with a broken heart in the summer of 1985 has taken on

a new life as a musical trilogy weaving stories in stories

with songs and more stories and more songs about stories

part one is a one-man show that, unsurprisingly, tells the story

of the story with, more unsurprisingly still, songs and stories;

two is a Broadway-style musical and part three is a musical

representation of an imagined film sequel starring Adam Driver

02FEB23 | THE UNRAVELING

Just when I thought I was finally

beginning to understand the intricacies

of life, managing to convince myself

that I had a handle on everything;

but no sooner than I came to these

realizations did they snap back and

bite me in the ass just like that horse

did all those years ago at the carriage stables

now, I am staring defeat straight in the face

and not only defeat, but absolute annihilation

crushing blows causing crashing woes that

have left me all but in the throes of disgrace

like the snag in a wooly jumper, the one you

pull ever so gently convinced it will simply

free itself from itself but instead begins to

unravel because there's just no stopping it

how much loss must one endure before becoming

completely lost? how much unraveling must be

unraveled before arriving at the irrevocable

conclusion that there is simply no turning back

03FEB23 | HOVERING

I often wonder where you are

if your spirit is hovering nearby;

what you must think of the life

I've made for myself and my family;

I wonder what you'd say to me

if you had the chance to and I

wonder if all those times you've

appeared in my dreams were real

it's hard for me to imagine that

all that's left of you are remains,

bones and whatever clothes you

were buried in all those years ago

surely a man like you wouldn't

simply be satisfied with a finality

like most mortal men who conform

readily to their eternal embodiments

it's never enough that you're only in

my thoughts for I need to feel your presence

everywhere, always, with every breath, every

step, each tear and all the joy and pain I encounter

04FEB23 | SHACHARIT

It's been years since I last attended

a morning service on Shabbos; in fact,

I'd have to think long and hard to recall

the last time; Liverpool, 2010, perhaps;

I arrived suitably late in my best navy

blue pinstripe suit, checked shirt and

my favorite Usatinsky bow tie; black

lace-up dress shoes polished and buffed;

removing my tallis from its bag I covered

my head with it and quietly recited the

prayer before draping it over my shoulders

and inspecting each of the individual fringes;

I was surprised by how much of the liturgy

I actually remembered by heart, though many

of the melodies chanted by this congregation

were different from those more familiar to me;

I was given the blessing of being called to the

torah for an aliyah where I recited the prayers

and after, the gabbai blessed my children as I

stood ever so humbly before the holy ark

05FEB23 | HOSPICE

There is a hospice facility on one of my

daily walk routes that I pass once or twice

a month; a solemn, nondescript one-story

building surrounded by a well-manicured lawn

today, as I walked around the back of the

hospice I noticed the all-too-familiar un-marked

grey van which was certainly there to collect

the remains of one who had recently passed

I stood there for a moment in somber contemplation

wondering if the deceased's family was present,

where the man or woman was being taken and

where the final resting place might be

and as the reality of the idea that no one who

enters the facility leaves there alive began to sink

in, I couldn't help but wonder about the end of my

own life and how and where it will occur

I dream of being surrounded by my loved ones

but no sooner than the romantic notion entered

my consciousness, I was quick to remember how

so few who truly fit that description actually exist

06FEB23 | NOAH & GRETA

The way Noah filmed Greta in the final

close-up of Frances Ha; seen through the

lens there is no mistaking the splendor of

love he must have felt at that very moment

it may sound like self-loathing, but I am

fairly certain no one has ever looked at

me that way, with adoration, benevolence

and a love so palpably deep-rooted and pure

I wonder just what magic, what chemistry

is needed to spark that kind of reaction; what

intimate intricacies are required for two human

beings to meet on such a divine frequency

perhaps my interpretation of romantic love

has been misguided all these years; maybe

my heart was born of another place, another

time; or maybe it has yet to have been born at all

closing my eyes I try and imagine what Noah

might have felt during the making of that film

early in the couple's relationship following the

five-year marriage to his other celluloid muse

07FEB23 | FOG

Looking outside sometimes brings clarity

to how I often feel inside; foggy, blurred

and indescribably incandescent, lacking

any semblance of sophistication or reason

I know the sun is there, it's always there,

so that's not what troubles me; it's the

absence of light and lightheartedness

and where did all the birds disappear to?

perhaps I should simply try and convince

myself that this is a dream, like the one I

had hours ago about Craig showing me

around his flat during our video chat

he panned the phone around his son's

bedroom where I caught a glimpse of

a sign that said "Ricardo;" is your son

named Rick? I asked knowing it wasn't

so many memories lost in the fog of

bygone years; and while there are some

better forgotten, there are others I long

to keep in the closeness of my mind's eye

08FEB23 | HOPE

Hope is sunshine

and the laughter of

that little girl; infectious,

authentic and heartwarming

her presence is hope personified

she is gentle and delicate

warm and happy-go-lucky

she is loveliness and radiance

and when she climbs onto my

bed with a book or a smile, my

heart melts and my breath is

all but taken away with joy

to listen to her reading poems

or Dr. Seuss brings such sheer

delight; her eyes fill with a glow

of enthusiasm and inquisitiveness

she is my hope, hope for the

future, hope for my future, for

her future and the future of a

world whose hope depends on her

09FEB23 | MEDIATION

It's another kind of adventure

a journey whose destination is unknown

the departure hall is riddled with obstacles

turbulence is a burden that can not be overlooked

who would have thought that it would come to this

all those years of struggling, barely hanging on;

the thin veil of deceit had finally worn through

and what was revealed was a bitter betrayal

but I remain resilient and steadfast, nothing is

for sure except that nothing lasts forever;

so I wander around from place to place

meeting with strangers who offer to help

they listen to my story and mention how

sad it is, sad that life takes these turns and

leaves us in the jumbled aftermath of trials

and tribulations and failed attempts at triumph

but I must remind them I'm not looking for pity

or handouts, just a little guidance in navigating

unfamiliar waters; looking for a little empathy

in a place where empathy is hard to come by

10FEB23 | SILENCE

I suppose I should start getting used to

the silence, the quiet and listless sound

of nothingness; and if not now, it will

come soon enough as unwelcome as it is

by now the house should be teeming with

ruckus but the kids are away for the weekend

and the only distraction is the dryer wheezing

through its cycles of tumble dry warm air

and while this silence is temporary, there is

a more lasting one on the horizon, one that

will be silent to my ears but deafening to my

heart and piercing to the essence of my soul

thoughts rage inside my head with the roar

of thunder that simply can not be silenced or

drowned out by the splendor of daydreams or

the memory of that fine day we spent by the seaside

and if silence weren't enough to drive me mad, it

is the absence of dialogue, the long sleepless nights

we'd spend talking about everything and nothing and

basking in the pleasant sound of each other's voice

11FEB23 | LOS ANGELES

I've been thinking a lot about Los Angeles lately

all the things I miss about the short six years I

lived in her pleasant sunny valley where I tried to

make a life and make my dreams come true

and of all the wonderful memories I could evoke,

the one that keeps coming back is driving my little

yellow MGB convertible barefoot and shirtless through

Topanga Canyon, arriving at the beach on the other side

those were the moments when I felt most alive and free

living alone and with few possessions, playing in my

new wave band and dining out at Thai Cottage in

Studio City every Friday night after a week's work

such a simple unassuming life, I wore shorts and bright

white ribbed cotton sleeveless t-shirts and beige leather

loafers without socks to the Hughes supermarket on Ventura

and Coldwater Canyon where I'd always run into Jon Voight

and there were the kosher delis, Mort's and Brent's and Solley's

where I'd eat cabbage soup and load up on baskets of bread

and homemade rice pudding; I miss that life and even more I

miss the promise of everything that my life could have been

12FEB23 | BREAK-FAST

Thirty-six hours without sustenance

my mind is clear but my body is weak

I've done these fasts before, numerous times

perhaps two or three a year for some years now

while I can't actually see or feel what effects

that fasting has on my body, I'm confident

it's rejuvenating and purifying, allowing

whatever needs respite and repair to do so

the fast is broken with a very tall mug of

hot vegetable bouillon that, as awkward

as it may seem, is chewed in the mouth

before swallowing to induce digestion

next, after a brisk walk to the village and

back, I sit down to a hearty meal of spelt

and banana pancakes and two organic

eggs pan fried in rich grass-fed butter

for me, I could easily get by on breakfast

alone as breakfast to me is like the perfect

poem, nourishing, satisfying, hearty and

revitalizing to the body, spirit and mind

13FEB23 | HAUNTED

I am haunted by visions of the past

events and circumstances that I have

rarely, if ever, divulged as they are

simply too painful to recount

some involve cars and others are of

dogs; some of family members and

others of strangers; and once the image

appears it is a long fight to disperse it

of course it's nearly impossible to avoid

triggering these episodes as there are

so many commonplace occurrences that

conjure up these unabating spirits of the past

and in those moments of harkening back,

the terror is often too much to bear; I close

my eyes as tight as can be and sing a song

under my breath to try and drown out the din

the storm eventually passes, but not before

leaving in its wake the haunting reminder of

defining moments in time whose consequence

renders me a powerless victim of its malice

14FEB23 | SWANS

The swans have returned to the canal

the first sign that spring is not long to

follow; blindingly bright white they

glimmer in the dismal tawny water

as they bathe and groom themselves

in the early morning sun, their brisk

movement makes the still water ripple

as the willows dance in the reflection

they hoist their massive bodies out of

the canal and onto the grassy bank to

ever so meticulously preen their feathers

occasionally extending their outspread wings

these are majestic birds, robust and graceful;

and if you've never seen them taking flight

off the water you've missed one of nature's

most remarkable shows of sheer marvel

and the delight of their appearance today on

the Feast of St. Valentine brings added joy and

wonder and a special wish for love and lovers

that spring's promise will soon be in full bloom

15FEB23 | WHEN THE LUSTER FADES

I have a few old silver pieces that have

been handed down to me over the years;

a mezuzah that once hung on the doorpost

of my grandparent's apartment in Chicago;

a Hanukkah menorah my great-grandfather

bought in Canada sometime in the 1950s;

a hamsa that my mother gave me when

I moved into my first apartment at college

and the oldest of these heirlooms is a small

kiddish cup, a tiny silver wine goblet used

during my brit milah on my eighth day of

life and etched with my initials on the back

and like these old tarnished relics, I too

have lost some of the luster of my younger

years; I no longer shine in the ways I used to

and my eyes don't seem to sparkle as they once did

but when the luster fades there is always a way to

bring it back; a little spit and elbow grease; some

time and patience to return the shine again into the

thing whose shine is all but a few thin layers away

16FEB23 | ENDGAME

I suppose you could say I set myself up

to be the victim; I was nothing more than

a rebound who became a very convenient

sperm donor, cheap babysitter and housekeeper

it was me who was needed so a house could

be purchased and a mortgage secured; everything

so perfectly calculated and premeditated to insure I

would get nothing because I was, in fact, nothing to you

I was told to listen and sign on the dotted line; and when

I wasn’t of any more use, when you had everything you

wanted, I was discarded, set aside like a rotting banana

left out on the counter for the fruit flies to gnaw at;

and now the endgame is here, the winners and losers clearly

decided; and what is to become of me and my peace of mind,

not being able to look in on the children as they sleep; what

other tortures will this exile bring? what other calamaties??

at least there will be tranquility; no more bearing witness to

the escapades and affectations; the backwards knives or

turned around laundry basket; never having to shut the

laundry room door or settle for being less or wanting more

17FEB23 | MEMORIES

There will always be the memories

reminiscences of better days and happier

times that inspire lightheartedness and joy

moments I shall cherish for as long as I live

I suppose I will get used to the emptiness

empty rooms void of life and laughter; but

what will fill the abyss are the images that

are so deeply etched upon my heart and mind

of course it won't be easy at first; no great

changes ever are easy, it will take all the

strength I can muster up and the resilience

of every last cell in every inch of my body

and it will be the memories that will guide

me through the chasm of adversity; your face

in my dreams, your smile and glow and always

cheery eyes filling my days with abundant hope

every minute I am gifted to be in your presence

will serve to create new memories, ones I can

only pray you will carry with you all your days

with kind recollections of the short time we shared

18FEB23 | REUS

I kept that train ticket in my wallet for years;

the one from Valencia to Reus on the 13th of

December 2008; it was to be our first romantic

interlude and the start of a new life for us both

and looking back over the years to that one moment

in time, I think about how very different things

could have turned out had I followed my instincts

and not pursued the relationship that began that day

though we had known each other for a decade before

becoming a couple––each of us married and divorced

to Spanish spouses––there had never been any real

indication that we would ever end up together

while it has turned out to be one of my few regrets in

life, that decision now comes back to haunt me as I

had been so very cautious to not allow myself to

become another bit player in someone else's movie

but sometimes we let life call the shots and allow

ourselves to be led blindly through the complexities

of what we fear most; those inner voices and callings

to seek out the thing we never knew we could live without

19FEB23 | INVERSE TWINS

My eyes caught a glimpse of two young

couples on the tram this afternoon as I was

traveling home from town with my youngest

daughter after some shopping and lunch

I found it interesting how these two couples

seemed to be mirror images of each other;

the guys both wore black sweatpants, hoodies

and the exact same black Puma X-Ray 2 Squares

the young women both had dip-dyed, two-color

brown-blond hair; they were wearing tracksuit

bottoms and oversized puffer jackets, one with

black Dr. Martens boots, the other wore UGGs

the guys––who looked Turkish and who could

have been brothers––both sported mid-faded

haircuts that were blurry and well lined up;

the girls were attractively homely and gaunt

there was a moment when the two guys turned

and sized each other (and their girls) up and I

wondered if the guy with the noticeably uglier

girlfriend knew and what went through his mind

20FEB23 | SALT IN THE WOUND

Of all the emotional abuse, gaslighting and

belittling I've had to endure, perhaps the

one thing that has caused the most pain is

the trivializing of my role as a parent

you reminded me that no one asked me to

be a stay-at-home-father, a statement which

I find as appallingly disrespectful as it is

preposterous seeing how no one had to ask

the role I accepted with the utmost love and

commitment served to provide all of my

children with the care and devotion by a

parent that they were rightfully entitled to

it also allowed their working mothers to

go out into the workplace and fulfill their

professional ambitions, something that I

always encouraged and strived to support

but there is very little value placed on the

man's role as parent despite the hard work

that's involved and savings––both emotional

and economic––that is derived from his toil

21FEB23 | SOMEONE IN MY CORNER

I was a fan of boxing movies when I

was a kid; Rocky, The Champ, Raging

Bull and The Quiet Man; films that

framed the human struggle and hardship

but in many of these films, like in real life

boxing, there was always a corner man, usually

the boxer's trainer but may also be referred to

as the second, taking care of general first aid

I always loved to observe these guys as their

passion, enthusiasm, support and commitment

to their boxer was second to none; they were

the heart, soul and lifeline of the fighter's team

and that's what I've been missing my whole life

someone in my corner, someone to treat the

wounds, dab the cuts, rub out the sore spots;

to be there through life's most challenging times

now I'm not suggesting someone to baby or mother

me, but a kind and gentle person who has my back,

who supports, not belittles, props me up rather than

kicking me while I'm down and out for the count

22FEB23 | CATHARSIS

I am no longer afraid of death or dying;

but the idea of leaving this life without

ever having seen you again doesn't sit well

with me and is the cause of much of my angst

and I hope that if I go without a final farewell

you won't ponder upon it too deeply or with

much remorse knowing that my last moments

were spent thinking of you and all we shared

you meant more to me than you'll ever know

and perhaps had I told you that, things might

have turned out differently, but we all must

live with the demons of our misguidedness

and should your life be taken before mine, I

will accept that bitter fate, facing the gales

and the biting rain as they drown my soul in

suffocating agony leaving me tired and worn

but for now I will live out my days dreaming

of the sun and the warmth it once brought to

my dark and lonely existence; and I will await

the moment until we are reunited in paradise

23FEB23 | STASIS

There are days when time passes so slowly

I can almost feel the stillness as it gently

caresses the air that moves back and forth

between the blades of grass along the canal

when my breath is calm and steady and the

thoughts that murmur inside my head are so

very linear and lucid, it is like I am carried

off to another plane some other distant realm

and I take comfort in this serenity, relish in

its all-encompassing warmth, savor every

moment of its tender embrace; and when I

am finally liberated, it is rhapsody and love

it's often difficult for me to remain in such a

deliberate and immobile state, but the longer

I allow my body to exist in this period of

repose, the closer I come to self-awareness

in the end, all that will remain is silence and

the colors of whatever celestial dream I paint

in the depths of my imagination; and there will

be life and light and a world of untold possibilities

24FEB23 | TEARS

I cry a lot; and when I say a lot, I mean

it doesn't take much to open the floodgates;

films, songs, theatre, TV shows––and it

doesn't have to be high drama or gloom

I cry at the end of Disney films; and from

start to finish at my first, second and third

viewing of Baumbach's Marriage Story

(and all subsequent viewings since!)

and I cry on New Years Eve, or at least I

do those years when I don't surrender to a

fit of Champagne-induced giggles during

our festive meal of deviled eggs and fondue

but last night the waterworks came on suddenly

and without warning as I was playing an innocent

word game with my youngest; she said a word and

I would have to come up with a corresponding song

the word was friend, and no sooner did the video of

James Taylor singing Carole King's seminal hit, You've

Got a Friend, reach the first chorus, I completely fell

to pieces as my daughter looked on with a startled gaze

25FEB23 | DAY OF HATE

I am a Jew

unapologetically

unequivocally

a Jew

born to a Jewish mother

into a Jewish family

raised a Jew, taught how to

be a Jew, to live as a Jew

I am a Jew

a Jew in my own right

in my own way, on my own terms

a Jew for all seasons and all reasons

but today, I was afraid to be a Jew;

afraid on this National Day of Hate

in many cities in North America though

I live far away from that epicenter of hatred

and while I may live far away, I do not live far

removed; far removed from antisemitism or the

loathing that many Europeans hold for Jews; which is why

I stayed home from shul on this beautiful Shabbos morning

26FEB23 | TEMPORARY MAN

I began life as a temporary son

for a temporary father who had

little use for me or the wife he

abandoned soon after I was born

and so the universe would dub me

a temporary man, hurled from place

to place, in and out of so many lives

where I was all but a temporary friend

then I became a temporary lover and a

temporary husband; a temporary father

and a temporary teacher, being discarded

when my services were no longer needed

I often wonder how I let myself be led

astray to this temporary-ness that I seem

so well suited for; a role in a play that

seems to have been written just for me

but I have now come to realize that it wasn't

me who has been temporary, but life itself;

life whose fleeting and momentary distraction

comes and goes in the mere blink of an eye

27FEB23 | WHAT CAN'T BE SEEN

It's the thing that even though you

can't see it you know is there; like

what awaits over the horizon or on

the other side of a mountain range

it's tomorrow and the day after that,

even though neither of those are certain;

but they will exist, they will come to

pass whether we observe them or not

I could never have fathomed what you

were to become; you played your part

so masterfully, so well rehearsed and

every scene so brilliantly executed

but what can't be seen can't possibly be

anticipated, or perhaps it can be but even

so, nearly impossible to prepare for as

the best-laid plans are subject to failure

and so I must live with the decisions I've

made, learn to accept what has been, what is

and what is to come and face the reality of what

hangs in the balance as I surrender to providence

28FEB23 | OUT OF A HOLE

I always seem to be working myself

out of a hole; getting myself in too

deep; quagmires and chasms difficult

to navigate, impossible to defeat

and it's always too late once I realize

that I'm in over my head, buried in

what was supposed to be buoyant and

life-saving, supporting and all protective

as I sit at the bottom of a bottomless

abyss, contemplating unscalable walls

I wonder how long my body and mind

can remain sustained in the cold and dark

your voice enters my thoughts and I

wonder if it's a dream or a living hell

to hear angel songs and softly chiming

bells whose ring resonates deep within

and when I close my eyes for the last

time, will I be aware of that moment

and the eternal loneliness that awaits or

will I merely fade away into irrelevance